Ever felt like all the things
You need to live
Are slipping away slowly?
You scramble and run
Trying to grab them
Hold onto to them
But you fall.
And all those things
Fly away into oblivion
It happens so fast
Your brain cannot process it.
But when you revisit
Those moments
They pass excruciatingly slowly
As though in slo-mo.

Ever felt like you’re in a river
And suddenly
Out of nowhere
You have forgotten how to swim.
You splash your arms
You kick your legs hard
But instead of moving forward
You only go deeper
And deeper
Into an abyss
That seems to never end.

I have been alternating
Between these feelings
Since you left.
My life seems like
A big sloppy muddy mess
Without you.
This too shall pass one day.
That day,
I will turn into a potter
And use the mess
To create a new life.
I shall resurface
From the ashes
Like the phoenix.
I will forever be a phoenix.

When you leave every morning
To fight your battles
To live your dreams
I am perhaps
the furthest from your thoughts.

When you feel the rain on your fingertips
And you think of all those romances
Of adulthood past
And all the beauty that
lies in front of you
I still am perhaps
the furthest from your thoughts.

When you are celebrated
By your friends, comrades, rivals
And they raise their glass in salute
In envious respect and true friendship
And satisfaction engulfs you,
I continue to be
the furthest from your thoughts.

When you meet someone new
Who catches your eye
And makes your heart sing
Who makes you smile
And your heart pump
Just that bit faster
I am nowhere in your thoughts.

But when the darkness falls
And the tiredness seeps into you
When it stops raining
And all the memories go back
To their neat little boxes
When the last toast has been raised
And all those friends have left
When the shine from that someone new
Has worn off and your heart has settled in
You think of home. And you think of me.

I know that is when you are ready to come home to me.
I know you will always come home to me.

So I am sitting here, on my balcony, on a perfect day, looking out at the hills and the blues skies dancing upon them and crying.
Crying for everything you are and everything you are not.
Crying for everything you gave me and all those things you did not.
I am sitting on my favorite rickety chair that wobbles and I am letting my tears flow as I remember every touch of yours and every kiss and all those moments that could have been but are not.
I am crying for every time you said yes and all those times you said no.
I am crying for all the laughs we shared and all the sadness our being together brought.
I am crying because we were and also because we can’t be.
I am crying because I want you to bring me back and because I want you to let me go.

A laugh from the day I arrived at your doorstep drunk.
The ten kisses you blew at me at the sushi eatery while none of our friends were watching.
The taste of the single piece of chocolate we fought over
Before you let me have it.
The smell of raindrops as we kissed under the stormy sky.
The warmth of your hug everytime I cried in your arms.
The gentle touch of your lips on my fingertips.
Each moment of happiness that created a strand, till we tied them together to form our piece of blue wool.
The one that tied our love strongly.

I am going over these things that you left behind,
One by one.
I know you don’t need them nor will you remember them
They aren’t crushing you down with their weight
But I am locked in time
Unhinged at having lost you
Unable to see anything beyond these things that surround me.

So I made the list and one by one,
I will part with them.

But I will keep the piece of blue wool
in the hope that you will come back someday
And perhaps it will again tie you to me.

I am in a suspended moment
With you and the nameless silence
That echoes and resonates between us.
The time ticks and then hangs.
Motionless, as if dead.

The past is fast turning
into rust and mist.
Dissolving into nothingness.
Erasing everything we held onto.

I will gather the rust and
give you the mist. If you want it.

We are two unfinished pieces of a puzzle
Never destined to complete a picture
But meant to exist in the same box.

In this moment - I want to envision the picture
That we might have made
Complete and vivid. And glorious.

We are two dots on different sides of a paper.
Meant to be connected but not quite.

In this moment - I want to draw the line
That could have joined us.

In this moment, where you and I exist
for infinity, forever
I want to live a lifetime with you.

For when this moment ends,
The future will await us.
A big red ball of fire.
Emerging and advancing to consume us.
Ready to turn us into a handful of ashes.

By the way, when the ashes are left behind -
I hope they will be scattered by the wind
Leaving us lost and unfound and alone.

Your soft lips rest against my bare shoulder
And you hold me as we lie entwined
Your breathing even and deep in your slumber.
I try to move away
It’s all too perfect, it’s scares me,
If only you could feel it too.
But at my slightest move, you tighten your arms
Subconsciously.
You don’t want to let me go in your sleep
Yet you resist me as soon as we are awake.
Let me go or hold me tight
But don’t play hide and seek.

Stop. You can’t want me because you’re lonely, or because I am the only one who doesn’t piss you off. I want to piss you off, I want to get on your fucking nerves. I don’t want the responsibility of always being your rock. I will try, but I’m a mess, too. I lie, I sleep too much and I don’t like children under the age of 6, really. I don’t even know if I want kids because I’m selfish, and mothers can’t be selfish once they decide to carry another life.

You can’t love me like a fire escape. Sometimes I will be the match, or the smoke under the door. I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that we all catch fire sometimes, before we even get warm.
I will try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too.
I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. I know that’s cheating but maybe it’ll be alright. Maybe we won’t wake up embarrassed.

I am going to fall in love with you, feet first. Maybe we’ll slow dance off a building together, maybe we’ll have forgotten each other’s names by this time next year. I don’t care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead .”
—Before You Fall in Love with Me, Caitlyn S. (I edited parts of it)

that I live in just shrunk to you. My world is now only you. Yet you are not there. I am now experiencing a quasi-self loathing phase.

I hate limiting my world to you. Especially because your world is not limited to me. Yet I am reveling being in love. With you.

Rains are so you and me.
Wet and tangled
Like when we kiss.

We began with the rains.
Partly in lust
partly in loneliness
we often found one another
In the twisted corners
of the alleyway
that our intimacy created.

Dazed drunk and spellbound
we devoured each other
every time
as though it was the last.

Rains are so you and me
smelling of the earth
like we smell in the aftermath
of our lovemaking.

We had to end with it too
End with the rains I mean.
We carried on
losing ourselves deeper
in the limited confines
of our alleyway.
We know all the entrances
and we know all the exits
to it
but we choose to stay in the middle.
We always choose the middle.

And whenever it rains
I wonder if its the end
or the middle of the end.

Rains are so you and me
Leaving behind a longing
Of just that bit more
Like when we say our goodbyes.